“…every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.”
So I created a poll on instagram a few weeks ago on what topic to write about for my next Inspo blog and you all gave me some GREAT ideas that I have saved in my back pocket for future posts… It came down to two: Closure or Overcoming Doubt, and THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN… We’re getting real personal today because this is a topic I especially relate to and I know every single person reading this will as well:
More specifically, the lack of.
It’s tough. But life goes on and so do you…
It’s easy to say “just forget about them; they’ve already forgotten about you…” but the truth of it is that is a phrase much easier spoken than it is to put into action.
Because how do you forget about someone that crosses your mind and consumes your thoughts so easily and so frequently? How do you forget about someone that you care about? How do you forget about someone that meant a lot to you at one point in time and as much as we may not want to admit it, still do; especially when those wounds are fresh.
It takes time. A lot of it.
Everybody wants the closure that involves “the talk.”
The “I’m sorry’s” the “this is why I did ___.” I know that has always been my go to excuse for not letting go. I think to myself “if I could just get an answer as to ‘why’ and ‘for what’ I could move on and let it go easier since I’d have an explanation.” But even after you get that explanation sometimes it still isn’t enough.
However, I think we can all agree the worst form of closure is when it is abrupt. No real explanation. No “I could feel this coming.” But the completely-out-of-nowhere’s. That’s when you are truly left wondering “why?” “for what?” “how come?”
Because then you have to create your own form of closure. You didn’t get it from that person so you have to get it from within yourself… and that is a complex process. And it’s different for each person. We all cope with loss uniquely.
Here is my process:
It is absolutely acceptable to be angry at someone for mistreating you. You didn’t deserve the criticism, the spiteful remarks, the harsh judgement. You didn’t deserve the betrayal, or their hurtful actions… (ever been cheated on? then you know exactly the hurt I am talking about). Be angry at them. Hate their guts if you want to. But do it in private. Do not be the person to publicly speak ill of who has hurt you (obviously best friends don’t count, you’re supposed to vent to them and tell them everything).
-Cry about it.
Again, it is completely okay to cry. You may cry yourself to sleep some nights; that is part of the healing process. Crying is healthy, I don’t care what anyone says. But yet again, do it behind closed doors. Do not give the person who hurt you the power of knowing they’ve affected you in such a way. Cry on your own time, but to the rest of the world, put on your game face.
-Let them go. Completely.
This is the hardest part, it truly is. Especially when you still care about them. But seriously, if someone wants to walk out of your life… LET. THEM. Do not give someone the opportunity to tell you more than once that they don’t want to be in your life. One and done.
I have made this mistake so many times in my past, and had I have just let them go the first time I would have saved myself a world of hurt… but it is all a learning experience, and had I not struggled with those experiences in my past I wouldn’t be where I am at today, and I am at a completely different place in life now. I am a much stronger version of myself, and I am glad it happened. Because now any time that happens, that’s exactly what I do… let them go.
Besides, why would you want anyone in your life who is okay with not knowing you? You are so, so special. And you are loved by so many others… Especially my fellow ladies, you deserve the absolute world… You are the precious daughter of the creator of the universe, an actual QUEEN, and you deserve to be treated with the upmost care and protection. You deserve someone who looks at you like you are the light of their entire world. Do not allow the departure of one person who doesn’t act in love, and see your worth to break you. Those people who do not see you for the beautiful masterpiece that you are, are the easiest people to get over. Because once you know your worth and not only know WHO you are but WHOSE you are, you question what you ever saw in them to begin with.
But other times it stings a little worse because maybe they were someone who found that value in you… Maybe they were, and still are a genuinely good person… But you see, there’s the catch… they are a good person, but still just one person… Just. One. Person. 1. Out of 7 billion others. Just one. And here’s the way I see it: if you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, then it is meant to be. And if it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with and something so much better will come along I PROMISE YOU.
Whether that something you set free be a person, an opportunity, literally anything in life that you love, set it free and let it be it’s own. Because that’s the most beautiful thing anything can be, something completely it’s own.
So rest in the fact that one of two things are going to happen when you let someone go:
1. You’ll find each other again one day.
2. You’ll find someone better.
Just to recap, what have we learned today kids?
-write a letter
Write a letter to them. Write five letters to them. Write ten letters to them. Write a hundred letters to them. Channel your inner Ryan Gosling/Noah Calhoun and write them a letter everyday for a year (where are my Notebook fans @??) Write however many letters you want to them, but write them for yourself. You can keep them if you want to but I’ve found it’s better to just dispose of them. I cannot tell you how many letters I’ve written to people that has never, and will never receive them. This is your chance to be completely raw. Tell them how much they have hurt you, tell them how much you despise them, and how upset you are with them. Tell them how much you miss them, how much they still mean to you. Let it all out. Every single thought you have of them, write it down, get it all out of your head. Like I said, this is your opportunity to get down to the nitty gritty truth without ever hurting anybody.
It is so much better to forgive someone. Even if you don’t want to forgive them for them, forgive them for yourself. When you finally do, that heavy weight of bitterness will slowly be lifted off your shoulders. This can be extremely tough sometimes, especially when they seem to be unapologetic, but some people just are not sorry… and I am telling you, it takes a strong person to say “I’m sorry” but an even stronger person to forgive the un-sorry (<- hey look I just made up a new word).
Maybe it’s just me but I wouldn’t want an apology from someone who isn’t actually sorry anyways. Unless you are genuinely remorseful for your actions, do not bother apologizing to me. There are some people in this world that may never see the error of their ways and will not be sorry. So you may never get that apology you’re looking for but just because they haven’t doesn’t mean you can’t still show them grace. You can absolutely forgive someone without them apologizing. That’s the beauty of grace; It’s completely free. And if you show grace, you will receive it. Something to keep note of:
People may not remember the words you said, the things you did, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.
Make sure that feeling is good.
Since we’re on the subject of good feelings that brings me to the next step in my closure process…
-remember the good
This is a big one for me. I’ve found it is so easy for me to hold onto my bad memories of someone when going through the healing process… The hurtful things they’ve said, the terrible things they’ve done; and just completely lose sight of any good part of that person and who they really are. It is important to remember that we are all human and we all make our own mistakes. Keep in mind that at some point in time, you are going to hurt someone also. None of us are free of it. It will happen. Holding onto the bad only stirs the pain and feeds the bitterness. I have to keep telling myself “remember all the good times you had with that person. Try to be at a good place. Let go of resentment.” You know that saying “kindness kills?” Well, it truly does. Just be kind and spread kindness. It doesn’t mean you excuse what they did, it just means you don’t let them hold that power over you anymore.
-pray for their prosperity
When someone hurts you, typically the last thing you want is for them to do well. Most of the time you want them to hurt just as much as you have. I’ve even been in that same boat before where I wanted someone to hurt worse than I had for the things they had done unto me… but truthfully it gets you nowhere. Instead, pray for their prosperity; pray for their well being, and it will be given back to you. Even if you don’t mean it genuinely, that is God’s word, and think of it this way… God always keeps His word; He HAS to do it, it’s HIS word… So pray for their prosperity, and you too shall prosper. Granted some people are a lot easier to pray for than others, I know better than anyone. The good people, the genuine people, are the easiest to pray for because you actually want them to be well off… it’s the people who aren’t so lovable for a lack of better words; “God’s special children” I like to call them, that take every fiber of your being to sit down and pray for.
So there’s my steps to healing, my process to finding closure when I couldn’t get it from the other person…
And even though this type of closure hurts the worst, I think that it is the best. Because at the end of the day, you never got that explanation you so desperately thought you needed… but you still did it. Despite the fact that you never received a single apology or reason as to why, you are alive and doing just well without them. You did it all on your own… and I think that is your real closure.
You received closure in the form of your own personal growth.
As always, be kind, and love people. All people.