“Look what you’ve taught me and for that I say, thank you, next…”
I promise I’m going to get back to my lifestyle posts, however my own life has been pretty stressful recently and haven’t had much down time to create anything… so bear with me but it’s coming soon! This is actually a blog I wrote a few weeks back and have been straddling the line on whether or not to share… and then Ari came out with this bop (tbh call me crazy I don’t really like this song that much but I’ve been needing to come up with a good title/song for this and it just so happens this fits pretty perfectly)
In my last post I mentioned how I created a questionnaire on Instagram and received quite a bit of feedback… Remember how I said I was keeping all of the proposed topics in my back pocket for future reference? Well, I’m pulling one out.
And it’s the one topic I swore I was never, ever going to write about… *que Taylor Swift voiceover*
The male species.
I’ve come to the conclusion that all guys really are the same.
Now I don’t mean that in the typical “all guys suck, they’re all the same” stereotypical phrase that most girls use, what I mean by this is at the end of the day they’re just a guy. No matter how terrible or how great, they are still just a guy.
It’s as if anytime things go south, it’s always the girl’s fault…. Do they not think that they don’t have tendencies that annoy the heck out of us? Bc the answer is yes. If you ask a guy three questions they will only respond to one… why? Did you miss the other two or did you just not care???? Granted, I know us ladies have our own quirks but sometimes they act as if they are never in the wrong… like it’s ALWAYS us that takes the blame…
To any male who may be reading this I want you to understand something: “The perfect girl” does not exist. We are going to be annoying sometimes. We are going to challenge your patience sometimes. And if every other girl is like myself- we are going to talk back and speak how we truly feel.
BUT PAUSE. This post isn’t meant to be negative in any way… instead I want to shift my attention to a few guys in particular, and everything that crosses my mind when I think about them.
Saddle up- because this is going to be a long one– and I don’t think I’ve ever been THIS personal in a blog before.
I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine over coffee a couple of days ago and they said something that struck an unpleasant nerve inside of me:
“I miss my old relationship.”
To which I almost IMMEDIATELY interrupted before they could even get the word relationship out of their mouth “No, you don’t.” “you think you do, I promise you, you do not.”
I say that because I’ve been there, I’ve been at that place where I missed the relationship I once had with a person– I missed the good times, the laughter, the conversations. I missed it terribly. But shortly after I reminisced on the good, the bad came creeping in. The toxicity. The fighting. The terrible, hurtful arguments. And that’s when I would remind myself “Maddie why would you miss someone who always pointed out every one your flaws? Why would you miss someone that brought out the worst parts of you?”
I haven’t opened up a lot about the relationship that changed me. Mainly because it’s just not meant for the rest of the world to know. However, pretty much the majority of my audience are girls like myself who have been in similar situations, and I will always stand up for us and tell you that you are never, ever alone.
That relationship, that guy, changed me. It was during that time in my life where I really began picking myself apart. This guy was the lesson I didn’t know I needed to learn. My relationship a couple years prior to this was a shorter, simpler lesson… that particular guy taught me not to jump into love so quickly, and not to trust so quickly. But this guy is the guy that really changed every aspect of who I once was. I was so self conscious about everything. I was so extremely insecure. I became that jealous, crazy girlfriend that questioned his every move (though with good reason I now know that in a healthy relationship trust is the number one foundation). I constantly had a bad feeling in my gut any time he made plans without me, especially when I knew drinking and partying would be involved. He fed every single one of my insecurities and brought out confidence issues I didn’t even know I had. I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore. I kept saying to myself “he’ll get himself together one day and we’ll be okay.” But that never happened. That’s another one of the many lessons I learned from that guy– that a guy will never change for you. Ever. And if it’s the right guy, you wouldn’t want him to change a single aspect of himself anyways…
We would fight all the time. If there is any part of that relationship we succeeded in it was definitely going at each other… That’s another aspect of myself that changed drastically. I hate confrontation, I hate fighting, I hate having any uneasy feeling about someone, I like to know that there is no tension and that I am on good terms with everyone in my life. And not only was there tension with him, but with every single person in my life because I was so wrapped into this guy…
Now I’m not blaming him in any way, this was my own fault. I allowed myself to get sucked so deep into this black hole, I could’ve walked away at any time but for some twisted reason I thought this was what I deserved… so like I said we would fight, then end it with “I love you” and make up and be okay until the next blowout which wasn’t too far around the corner. To think I called that love is exceedingly unsettling to me now.
But what I learned was the greatest lesson I have received… amongst the smaller lessons, I learned real love. The love that my family provided me when I was at my darkest and lowest, and most of all the perfect love that God had given me since the moment of my creation. I can’t thank that guy enough for that lesson. I fell so hard that when I hit the ground I crumbled into a million tiny pieces… pieces that the Lord ever so carefully pieced back together until I was whole again and for the first time in my life I was focused completely on myself and mending all of my brokenness.
I also learned exactly what I do not want in a guy and what to avoid when considering a future husband…
So, to my friend who told me that they missed their old relationship… I too, missed my old relationship, and my old guy, then I remember a drunken phone call at 3 in the morning telling me that I should have jumped off a bridge “or something” a long time ago because nobody wants to deal with me. Please always remember that you, my beautiful, loving, kind, caring, talented, intelligent, funny, remarkable, hopeful, selfless, God-made, one-in-one-hundred-billion friend, are worthy of so much more than the type of love you thought you deserved and settled for in your last relationship, and are so much better than the guy that did those things to you.
Not all guys are completely terrible, HOWEVER, I don’t think any of them quite have a grip on girls like they may think they do, but if they really, truly knew how even the smallest words and actions could hurt us maybe they would be a little more careful. Because even the strongest woman on earth has had a situation that broke her once. You aren’t just born being THAT strong. At some point in time, something happens, something changes you, and that shapes you into who you are, builds your strength and ignites the warrior in you.
So, to the guy that changed me: thank you for the painful lesson seriously,
I also believe that every girl has a guy who has made a lasting impact in her life, whether it be good or bad. Maybe it’s the same one, or maybe it’s someone different but every friend that I’ve had the “boy talk” with has all admitted and shared about the guy that impacted them the most. And I have mine, too.
Like I said, this post is the most personal I’ve ever been, and I’ve yet to decide if I’m even going to post this or not, but if I decide to and you all are reading this now, hello! here we are… it’s taken a lot of courage to write this but I promised as a friend that I will be completely transparent.
My last relationship may have changed me, yes; but that guy is not the guy who made a lasting impact.
In fact, the guy who made the most profound impact in my life was never anything more than just a friend.
This guy crashed into my life at a time when I had almost completely given up on the thought of a good, wholesome, respectful guy even existing.
I met them shortly after another crappy boy situation transpired. To make another long story that I could write a whole other post about that I will spare all of you because it really, truly is not worth my time and energy to write about, short- this guy made himself out to be so amazing, he went to church every Sunday, always posted scripture, came across super respectful towards women, and a servant of the Lord but turned out to be the complete opposite and an actual nightmare of a guy. If I could describe this guy in one sentence he is the type of guy every girl loves to hate on the Bachelor… in fact I wouldn’t be shocked if I saw this guy on the Bachelor one day… ANYWAYS BACK ON TOPIC. After that situation, I was completely turned off towards any guy. Not to mention one of my best friend’s was in a relationship at the time and would tell me about her relationship problems which was even more ammunition for me to just keep coasting on my own…
He was the guy I never expected or even intended on meeting. The fact that we hadn’t met before is actually quite baffling to me the more I think about it. We both had several mutual friends, were involved in a lot of the same activities during college, and at one point even lived in the same apartment complex. We probably did cross paths once before but at just the right time to have completely missed each other.
(BTW I feel completely no problem sharing any of this because I highly, HIGHLY doubt they read any of my blogs, much less keep up with anything I’m doing or sharing… and even in the off chance they might, this post is so far in depth I don’t expect any guy to still be reading at this point lol, so I’m confident that by now I’m in the safe zone)
When I say this is the most selfless, caring, intentional guy I have met even to this very day, I truly mean that.
We became good friends, and it didn’t take too long for feelings to creep in. And I think that was the downfall in our friendship. Because no matter how much you try to separate yourself from any feelings you may have for someone it is hard to view them as nothing more than just a friend. And at that particular time I guess it wasn’t meant to be anything other than that. Because I’m a girl (a very emotional one at that who sometimes has the tendency to overthink every situation) the whole dynamic became extremely taxing on me. I knew I cared about this person but I also knew that I couldn’t have what I really wanted. And as much as I know I should have taken fifteen steps back, some part of me kept trying to push forward. Not to mention I was also facing some tough challenges in life, and where I normally would have taken that step back, I continued pushing forward, so much to the point to where I pushed them away.
The entire story is so much more complex than what I shared, but as I said earlier, some things just aren’t meant for the rest of the world to know.
As I look back on their departure from my life, I realize that it wasn’t all my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself. Because even though they were an awesome person, they weren’t perfect either. I was so disappointed that for a while after that I went back to questioning whether or not good guys even still existed.
But I am so beyond grateful for this guy. Because even though this person is not in my life anymore I know now that there actually are genuine, good guys in the world that do actually care. And I feel bad referring to him as “that guy” because he really was too good to be just “a guy” BUT that situation is what taught me that all guys at the end of the day are still just a guy, even the best ones.
Beyond that, this guy also taught me that someone could actually see beyond outer appearance, and not lust after me and be on a mission just to get me to stay the night like every other guy I’ve crossed paths with. He saw me for who I am, not what I possibly had to offer him. He took his time getting to know me, and wanted to know more about me. This guy was so intentional, and kind, and completely genuine, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t adore him for exactly who he is. (Remember earlier how I said a guy will never change for you and if it’s the right guy you wouldn’t want them to change any aspect of themselves anyways? turns out that actually really is true.)
I trust in the fact that everything that transpired had to happen. And I trust in God enough to trust that finally crossing paths with that guy, and getting to know that guy, and even being a little bit hurt by that guy happened for the greater good and the ultimate plan that He has for this life which I have been chosen for.
And in this life I so hope to be married one day. My biggest dream in life is to one day be a wife and a mother.
So many times a week I think about my future, and try to paint a picture of what that future may look like. At least once during those times of pondering (some may even call it daydreaming) I try to picture my future marriage. Who will I marry? What will he look like? What will my new last name be? Unfortunately I have zero knowledge of this, and at this point in life it truly is all a mystery that only God has the insight to. But one thing I am absolutely sure of who he is: his heart.
He has a heart for his wife–me, but more importantly he has an even bigger, even more passionate heart for the Lord because he love Jesus more than he could ever love me. He is a God-fearing man who has practiced and respected patience. He is charmingly and truthfully kind. He speaks truth, and acts only in love. He walks with certainty, and confidence because he knows he is designed by a perfect love that casts out all fear and knows that all the days of his life have already been mapped out. He does not care for the world, or what the world thinks of him but rather what the Lord thinks of him. He has a true servant’s heart. He is careful, and intentional. He is not jealous because he trusts in the Lord enough to trust in me. He believes in truth over convenience or being comfortable. He never loses faith. He surely is not rude. He always protects, and always preserves. He will never give up because his eyes are on God and not me.
And to this amazing, one-of-a-kind-guy who is lucky enough to call himself my husband one day (just kidding, and btw any guy that thinks he has what it takes to handle every bit of my personality will have absolutely no idea the ride that they’re in for)… Hello, darling. I love you so much already. My name is Maddie and I pray for the most beautiful life together.
I pray the same prayer for all of my ladies (and gents if you’ve stuck with me up to this point–kudos to you for taking interest) that I pray for my future marriage. That he will not be boastful or proud because our love will speak in actions. Our love will not demand it’s own way for we know and long for the Lord to lead our path. That neither one of us will be irritable when times get stressful, and during the hard times, we will love each other even harder. Together we will not keep any records of wrong. We will dance together and rejoice when truth wins. We will silence each other’s fears but neither one of us will accept them, because anything fearful is not from God. He will feel my cry, be encouraged by my laugh, and join me in song no matter how off key to worship our father God. Our love will never lose faith. Even if the whole world is against me, he will be for me because he loves the Jesus in me. He sits still with me and knows that God is God. He will be able to endure all circumstances, because I will be right there with him holding his hand- striving to do the same. He will lead me wherever the Lord is leading him. Most importantly, we will meet at the Lord’s feet.
That is the marriage and love I am hopeful for. The love I am encouraged by.
I know that guy will make it all worthwhile, whoever he may be. Maybe I’ve met him already, maybe I haven’t. And I’m sure the time will come when we will hurt each other along the way, but at the end of the day, love conquers all.
So I guess guys really aren’t that bad after all.
**Plot Twist: this wasn’t the savage “I hate boys” post you all probably thought it was going to be, I’ve got Jesus in my heart, ok?**