I’m currently in tears as I write this. Not like full on crying with water streaming down my cheeks or anything THAT dramatic, but my eyes are for sure swelled up and I’m trying to hold it back and keep it together.
This is the only space where I can really be completely myself, authentic, RAW, vulnerable and feel better after. Confiding in a friend works well, too, but just writing, and being free to let my thoughts loose is the best feeling. Most times when I’m talking, my thoughts get jumbled up and it’s hard for me to say what I really want, or feel, but writing gives me the space to let it ALL out as it comes, even if it doesn’t make sense, I can edit it later… after all editing is everything.
So anyways, I can’t decide if this is a blog that I’ll post or if I’ll keep it to myself. I’ve written several that are still in my drafts that are so deep and personal idk if it’s even a good idea to post, ever. But I’ll decide by the end whether this one is worth sharing.
Just a little less than a year ago, I wrote a blog titled “Thank U, NEXT” It was right after Ariana came out with her little bop. And it was very much one of those blogs where I debated publishing and really intended on keeping it in the drafts indefinitely. But by the end of writing it, something told me just to post it. If you haven’t read it, I’ll link it below this paragraph and also at the bottom of the page. Super in depth, and super personal. But to summarize it, I looked back on the heartaches in my life and a couple of guys that had different impacts, and lessons on my life, and what those lessons taught me. So I guess this could be considered somewhat of a follow-up. idk maybe, maybe not.
*** Thank U, NEXT ***
Here’s the deal….
I care about some people too much for my own good. Sometimes people that I’ve once had feelings for, and then I realize that I never actually got past those feelings. They may not be as strong or apparent as they once were, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re still somewhere deep down inside of you. And it’s funny because you typically don’t recognize it until something happens that sparks a bit of jealousy you also didn’t know you had in you.
I’m tired of caring. I don’t want to anymore, but I can’t just stop caring. It’s not that simple for me, because once I’m invested in someone’s soul, it’s almost impossible for me to turn my cheek.
I’m also tired of getting the shaft.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m wrong about people.
I’m tired of defending people.
I’m tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I’m tired of speaking highly of people only to feel stupid for it later.
I’m tired of seeing in people what they don’t even see in themselves.
I wish they did, so badly. I honestly mean that. I wish some people could see themselves the way I see them. Maybe they would be nicer to themselves. Maybe they would view themselves differently. Maybe they would view the world differently.
Is it fair to say that people don’t accept your compliments and kind words and downplay themselves because they are hurting and don’t want to admit it?
Idk y’all. I don’t really know what I’m getting at here. I just wish guys knew how much women really do care. I know I’m not the only one. When we care, we care so DEEPLY and we can’t just stop.
Until one day we don’t anymore.
And quite frankly, I’m so desperate to reach that point.
I just don’t want to care.
I’m gold, solid gold. And if I found myself a me, I would wife me up so quick.
But at the same time, this isn’t really about loving someone in a relationship way, but really just as a person. For the innermost part of who they are… their soul. That’s a different kind of love. The love God has for each of us. That He puts inside of us and wants us to have for one another. The unconditional kind of love. Where you just want them to have the best life has to offer. Regardless if it’s reciprocated.
I guess I just realized that the feelings I used to have for someone that I thought disappeared, are still very much apparent, and I didn’t realize it until I found out about someone else.
Why not me?
My mind goes back to all of the compliments this person used to give me. All of the kind words spoken to me, and about me. The feeling of appreciation when they just wanted to know more about me, and who I was. The encouragement I received from them to “keep being Maddie because you’re awesome.” I don’t even remember the last time I heard that from them, yet now that I know someone else has been getting that attention, it hurts. And it shouldn’t. It absolutely should not hurt me at all, but it does, and I don’t know why, and I want it to go away because I didn’t even want to know or much less even asked to begin with, but now my feelings are hurt, and to be quite frank, it’s my own fault.
Idk, I don’t even really know where I’m going with this, AT ALL. This is just me, being real, writing it down as it comes to me.
I’m hurting right now, and I wish I wasn’t, and I hate that I am. I’ve been feeling so nostalgic.
I wish I could go back and un-meet people.
I don’t know why God brought this person into my life, I thought I did when they left it. But then they came back around, and now I don’t know why God brought them back… and the fact that they think it was “their decision” to bring me back into their life is pretty comical. It was really MY decision to ALLOW them to come back… and tbh maybe I shouldn’t have. But I felt God telling me to…
I’ve been listening to this song called “Unknown” by Mosaic MSC a lot lately… my favorite lyric is the last part of the chorus… “I will build my life on the mystery of where YOU call me, and I will go into the unknown.”
I guess it’s safe to say that not a single one of us knows what the future holds for our lives. But as a Christ follower I have to remember that my life is not my own, and wherever God calls me, whatever seasons He leads me into, whoever He places along my path, I am put there to do kingdom work, and to serve Him, not myself.
So I guess I really shouldn’t be so selfish…
To ask God why someone is even part of my life, when I already know the answer is in the future, not the now.
I typically prefer to be in control of situations like these, and I know this sounds crazy but after listening to that song (on repeat more times than what’s probably acceptable) I have a feeling of excitement and wonder about God leading me into the unknown. I have no enemies with Him. Nothing can hurt me… in fact, even right now, i’m the only person letting this situation hurt me.
Following Jesus really is one great big mystery, but such a beautiful one. He’s already brought me this far, and every single day I learn more about myself and learn more about Him and I’m finally back at a place in my life where my soul is so on fire. And I wish that I could spend all day in His word, and constantly know more. My soul yearns for it. And I am so, so incredibly thankful to be back at that place.
I feel the seasons changing in my life as I write this. I’m making my way out of the cold tundra and back to a spiritual oasis where every single second I feel the presence of God all around me.
And my mind immediately goes to Colossians 3:23; how every part of our lives is His, and even our careers are blessings from Him, and there is ALWAYS an opportunity to disciple and praise Him.
I don’t feel so sad anymore… I don’t feel as much hurt as I did when I first started this. The tears that were in my eyes ran down my cheeks a couple of paragraphs ago, and now all that’s left is a smile on my face in awe of how amazing Jesus is.
And I have decided that it is okay if the person whose soul I have so much adoration for doesn’t seem to care…
I know that this is how Jesus felt on his journey to calvary. Knowing none of us even cared. But in the end, it was still finished. And look at how beautiful that turned out to be!
God makes everything beautiful in it’s time, and in it’s own time, I feel confident that I will understand even this moment.
But for now, I will lift my eyes to the things unseen, and walk BOLDLY, and CONFIDENTLY into the abyss of darkness knowing that the life-light will direct the path to EXACTLY where I am called…
Ya know, I used to look back on my life at certain decisions that “pushed me behind” and would beat myself up over it. Until recently I changed my perspective and realized, those decisions didn’t push me behind at all, they pushed me into the path I was always meant to take. And every season, every person, every heartache along that path is unique, and mapped out specifically for me.
I feel so much better now, and honestly, I don’t really care if someone doesn’t care… God does, and He’s telling me to keep caring, because that’s part of what makes me, me. So I will.
That’s enough feelings for one night, hope someone can relate… sayonara